


flustered by adoration

by heyrebelgrrrl



Category: Jane the Virgin (TV)
Genre: F/F, No Beta, Roisa, Season 3, i just have a lot of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-23
Packaged: 2019-04-06 17:18:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14061675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyrebelgrrrl/pseuds/heyrebelgrrrl
Summary: Luisa Alver began her birthday the way any sensible adult would: In tears.





	flustered by adoration

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my attempt at filling in some of the gaps left by the writing between these two. We know that Luisa and Rose have a very intimate relationship but we haven't seen a lot of those intimate moments ever since the big reveal in season one, and it's left me hungry. I am also a very huge sucker for their trope - you know, being hopelessly in love with someone who has hurt you, and on the other end, loving someone you have deeply hurt. There's so much to be said between them, so here is me trying to unpack some of that. For those who are interested, the song is called Blindfold and it's by Morcheeba.
> 
> This is my first time trying out Roisa and I'm still unsure, but I worked on this for over two weeks and I just need to post it already.
> 
> I refuse to apologize for the overuse of italics.
> 
> Enjoy!

Luisa Alver began her birthday the way any sensible adult would: In tears.

Ever since Raf had sent her that email, an email which Rose had so generously shared with her, she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

But it wasn’t until Luisa had been left with a brief moment of solitude that the fears and the doubts seized that opportunity and came rushing forth like a Mack truck, and while Lu should have known that with everything else going on—the realization that Susanna was Rose and having been left with no other choice but to deal with all of the emotional baggage that came along with that—it was only a matter of time. Not to mention having to unpack this all in Rose’s presence, one that both put her on edge and pulled her back in.

She’d chosen to ignore all the warning signs (again), to distract herself with sex ( _again_ ), which had led to this (quite inevitable) moment.

By the time Rose returned to their room with post-coital snacks, Luisa had rolled onto her side with her back to the door in a half-assed attempt to hide the onslaught of her emotional toil.

Another thing she should have known by now is that she couldn’t hide from Rose. While they’d known each other for over five years and their time spent together had been fleeting, sometimes Luisa thought that Rose knew her better than she knew herself. That there wasn’t anything she could hide from her.

This was, unfortunately, a perfect example.

“Luisa? Honey, what’s wrong?” Rose’s tone was colored with concern as she dropped everything onto the small table in their modest room.

Luisa felt the bed dip and then that inviting warmth radiating from her lover as Rose joined her, her gentle floral scent invading Luisa’s senses.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

This is the point in their story where the frame would freeze on Luisa’s red, tear-stained face and the narrator would appear for one, brief moment to let you know: Everything was _not_ fine.

Luckily, between Luisa’s reluctance and her sudden stuffy nose, Rose was able to figure that out on her own.

“Lu,” Rose purred, the nickname sounding so soft and sweet as it fell from her lips, lips that soon placed a kiss on Luisa’s bare shoulder. “Talk to me.”

“It’s stupid.” Luisa made an attempt at shrugging it off, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand before rolling over on her back to find Rose’s concerned gaze. “I’m fine. Really.”

“Whatever has you so upset cannot possibly be stupid,” Rose insisted, using her thumb to swipe away the last of the fallen tears. Then, quite seriously, “You _do_ know that just because we celebrate your birthday twice, you’re still only what… forty-one, right?”

This elicited a dramatic gasp from Luisa. “You’re unbelievable.”

Rose could only chuckle in response. “Yeah, but I made you smile, so,” she shrugged, tucking Luisa’s curls behind her ear. “Now come on, Lu. What’s wrong? Is it me?”

“No! No. I mean, yes. But it’s just… ugh.” Luisa sat up, head falling into her hands. “It’s you, and it’s me, and it’s us, and it’s Rafael, and my mom. And I spent my fake freaking birthday and my real freaking birthday on a submarine in the middle of who knows what ocean with my drug lord ex who _murdered my father_ because she’s on the run from the police!” When Luisa finally turned back to look at Rose, her expression was that of pure loss and heartbreak. “My entire life has been one lie after another. And now that I know the truth about you, and about my mom, and Raf… I can’t do this anymore. I can’t _do_ this, I—”

“Okay, Luisa? Luisa,” Rose stuttered, shifting to sit on her knees beside her lover while Luisa continued on. “I think you’re spiraling just a little bit—which is totally understandable—” Rose added having found herself under Luisa’s death stare, “but I need you to breathe, okay? Breathe. Luisa? Luisa. _Lu_.” At this point Rose’s hands found their way to Luisa’s shoulders in some last ditch effort to try and steady her. “I know that you’re dealing with a lot right now and you’re a little overwhelmed but let’s just breathe. Inhale,” Rose nodded, eyes wide and glued to Luisa’s having caught her attention. “Exhale.”

“I. Am. Trying,” Luisa gasped in the midst of an anxiety attack.

“Just look at me, alright? I’m right here. You are going to be okay. You are not alone. You are _not_ in danger. You are _safe_ with me, Luisa. You’re safe.”

“I think I’m having a heart attack.”

“You’re not having a heart attack, you’re having an anxiety attack and I’m going to need you to breathe yourself through it, like you do every time. In through your nose, out through your mouth. Come on, honey. Breathe with me.”

“I’m going to die on a submarine _on my birthday_. I don’t want to die on a fucking submarine, Rose. I’m too young! Am I? Or is this the year people will hear I die and it’ll just make sense?! People younger than me have had heart attacks. Statistically speaking, I’m at risk and—Oh, god I have to get out of here,” Luisa whined, panic bleeding into her tone.

“Luisa I know you don’t like me very much right now but I need you to listen to me and trust that I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

“Okay. Okay. I know that. I think I know that. No. I do. I know.”

“Good. Now ca—”

“But if I do die, promise you’ll dress me and you won’t dump my body in the ocean.”

“I’m not going to dump your body in the ocean.”

“Promise me.”

“I promise.”

“Because if you do I’m going to come back and haunt you.”

“I promised—”

“I mean it,” Luisa continued through her tears, still hyperventilating. “It’s going to be some serious _Paranormal Activity_ shit, Rose.”

“I’m not—”

“And don’t do any… weird sex stuff with my corpse.”

“Who do you think I am, Jeffrey Dahmer?!”

“That’s the point, Rose! I don’t even know who you are!”

“Okay,” Rose snapped, raising her hand. “Okay. We are definitely revisiting that at a later date, but right now I just need you to breathe with me, okay? Inhale through your nose and exhale through your mouth, right?”

“Right.”

What occurred next was a very dramatic, very long few minutes of breathing and uninterrupted eye contact between the two of them.

Rose must have seen the panic begin to flee Luisa’s eyes because she broke the silence to ask, “Better?”

Not by a longshot, but Luisa no longer felt like she had one foot in the grave, so naturally, she lied. “Yes. Thank you.” And then she watched out of the corner of her eye as Rose sat there expectantly, brows raised, waiting for whatever she incorrectly thought was coming next. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Fine. Then I’ll talk. I’ll admit I’ve done some… questionable things in the past, but you know I would never hurt you, Luisa.”

At this point, Luisa had folded her arms over her chest, straightened her spine, and prepared herself for whatever was going to come out of Rose’s mouth, and she was glad she did.

“Do I? Because you _had me committed to a mental institution, you killed my father, and moonlighted as a detective and then made me fall in love with her_!”

“Oh, I did not make you fall in love, Lu. You did that on your own. And you fell in love with _me_. I might have looked like Susanna Barnett and sounded like Susanna Barnett… but the stuff with your brother and your mom and the drinking? That was me.”

Luisa was still peering at Rose out of the corner of her eye, knowing well enough that once she provided the other woman with her full attention, she was as good as done.

“Out of all the things I just highlighted, _that’s_ what you decide to focus on!? Were you wearing her face?”

“ _What_?!”

“Were you literally wearing her face? Was I—I kissing someone else’s mouth?! Are you like some Hannibal Lecter who peels the skin off of her victims’ faces so they can’t be IDed?!”

“I… This is unreal.”

“No. No, Rose. _This_ is unreal,” Luisa countered forcefully, gesturing around them. “This isn’t normal! You think I’m the one overreacting?! You’re… underreacting!”

“Is that what you want? Normal? You _had_ normal, and look what happened.”

“Allison _cheated on me_!” Luisa defended herself with wide eyes, arms thrown open wide, finally addressing Rose full on.

“Drop the innocent act, Lu. I was there too.”

“It happened once.”

“And the other times?”

Luisa bristled at this, finding her poise in her straightened spine once more. “What other times?”

“I could feel you, you know. Staring at me. At every single event or holiday get together. I know what it feels like when I’m being watched.”

“I was _not_ watching you!”

“Luisa,” Rose crooned, clearly conveying she knew better. “I did it, too.”

“You what?”

“I watched you, too. I thought about all the ways my life might be different… Find myself lucky enough to steal a moment every now and again and wonder: ‘What if?’”

A huff of indignant laughter fell from Luisa’s lips. “Yeah, well. I fail to see how that was a part of your murder-y master plan.”

“It wasn’t. And that’s the point. Everything else… it had been planned down to the very last detail. But you? This? I couldn’t plan this, even if I wanted to. I told you. What I have with you was the only real thing in my life for that entire five years.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Do you know why I worked so hard to avoid you? Have you ever thought about that?”

“Because you’re not gay? Or are you now?—I can’t really keep up with all these ‘truths’ you’ve been trying to tell me over the years. Oh! Is it because you were too busy using my family’s hotel as a front while you reenacted _Face/Off_ for criminals!? Or _maybe_ —”

“Because it would have never been enough, and you know that because we tried it. You left, and I—I realized, I wanted more. More with you. Stealing away to grab at each other in some utility closet or bathroom for fifteen minutes every six months...?”

“You could have just left him. We could have gone somewhere.”

“We would have been found. And we would have been killed.”

“By whom?!”

Rose’s gaze fell, the tip of her tongue resting against her upper lip, seemingly lost in thought for a moment. “I can’t tell you.”

“Oh, come _on_ , Rose. I know you’re a better liar than this.”

“I’m serious, Lu. They’re still out there, and the less you know the better. I’ll tell you everything when the time is right. Just… not now.”

And for the first time, Luisa saw fear in the eyes that looked back at her.

“How do I know that you’re telling the truth?”

“What could I possibly have to gain from lying to you? About any of this? You know everything. I have nothing to gain… and everything to lose.”

When Rose uttered those last few words, Luisa felt it everywhere. Never in her whole entire life had one person made her feel a fragment of the way Rose could with nothing but a cursory glance. The air between them was always charged with something… more, and it didn’t matter how long they’d spent distancing themselves from one another. Those brief moments in which they found themselves alone, together, time and space ceased to exist and they stepped into a world that was entirely their own.

“Yeah, well,” Luisa sniffed, casually wiping the tears that had pooled in the corner of her eye, “It’s not going to work out. Allison was right. Raf is right. I’m—”

“Allison wouldn’t know a good thing if it ran her over,” Rose breathed before Luisa could even finish. “And Rafael doesn’t see you, Lu. He’s got his head so far up his own a—”

“He’s still my brother. And he’s right. And now I don’t even have my mom to get me through this. At least I could look back and tell myself I’m not going to end up like her. But she was _fine_. It was all a lie. It was _so real_. It still feels _so real_ , but it’s not. It’s not in my blood. It’s just… me.”

“Luisa, your mom…”

“Whatever you’re going to say, just… don’t. You didn’t know her. You don’t know what it was like,” Luisa managed through gritted teeth, her frustration getting the better of her.

“No,” Rose replied, unphased. She hooked her fingers beneath Luisa’s chin, a silent demand for her undivided attention.

There was nowhere left to hide under the weight of Rose’s gaze, and for the first time in a long one, Luisa swam in those crystal blue depths with the hope she’d reemerge anew: no longer this timid woman who was left so afraid. She felt like a stranger to herself.

“But I know you,” Rose continued with conviction. “The woman I fell in love with is strong and colorful. She had already been through so much, but she refused to let that define her. So yes, Luisa. I know you aren’t going to end up like your mother, or… how you thought your mother ended up. Because you’re still the woman I fell in love with. And you—you recognize your warning signs. You’re not afraid to ask for help. And before you say anything, I _know_ I haven’t been good for you in the past. What I did to you… I’m going to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. But Luisa, baby…” It was Rose’s turn to grow emotional now, eyes tearing up in a surprising moment of vulnerability. She gathered Luisa’s hands in her own and held them between their bodies in a tight grip, as though she was afraid that if she were to loosen or let go, she’d lose Luisa forever. “I promise I’m done with that and I’m going to be there with you through everything, if you’ll have me.”

For the past five years, Luisa had to reconcile her feelings for Rose. When they met, it was pure electricity, pure gravity. When they kissed? Fireworks. And yes, it had been the Fourth of July, but it was far more than that. With Allison, it had been constant work. With Rose? Magic. Not long ago, they had fallen back together only to have Rose pushing her away every time she toed the line. So Rose’s vulnerability wasn’t lost on her in this moment where she had nothing to gain and everything to lose. Luisa would be lying if she said she didn’t enjoy this new side of Rose. (Not to mention it was kind of a turn on).

But how many times does one need to get burned by the flame before they know to stay away? Sure, Luisa was a glutton for punishment—a bit of a masochist, indulging in things that felt good in the moment but were ultimately bad for her, but even she could only endure so much. Luisa’s trepidation was thinly veiled, and Rose picked up on it right away. “Rose, I—” “Ah.” A single, staccato syllable was enough to cut Luisa off before she could even begin, and still Rose’s hand came up to rest on finger against her lips.

“You don’t have to make your decision now. I know I’m asking a lot of you, Lu. The only thing I’m going to ask of you right now, birthday girl…” Rose drawled, slipping away from Luisa to pick up a remote that had been resting on the table. One click and soothing notes came from the speakers overhead, temporarily drowned out by Luisa’s laughter as she shifted onto her side, still wrapped in their white sheets.

“Another lap dance?”

 _Which is a tale for another time, but let’s just say this: it involved a New Year’s celebration, a_ lot _of tequila, and Rose’s current song choice._

“No, I’m not dancing for you again. Or ever,” Rose laughed, tossing the remote back onto the table. She scooped up Luisa’s white silk robe on her way over and held it out expectantly. “Put this on and dance with me.”

There was a moment in which, had it not been for Luisa’s lopsided grin, Rose would have thought Luisa was going to say no to her, given her hesitation. But instead, she wordlessly reached out and took Rose’s offering and once covered, her hand. Rose led them to the middle of the room and pulled Luisa close, arms wrapped around her waist.

“The last time I heard this song…” Luisa murmured into the dark depths of Rose’s curls. Her natural hair color? She still hadn’t found the courage to ask about this and a great deal of other things. What was real? What was fake? Rose claimed to know her, but did she know Rose? Was that even her real name?

“…New Years. 2013. You were so…”

Luisa’s laugh was soft. “I had to beg for you to touch me.”

“And now you know why. Besides, I was going to say _drunk_ ,” Rose clarified, pulling back just enough to shoot Luisa a look that screamed ‘really?’ while they swayed.

“Yeah, well, that didn’t seem to stop you.”

“Hey, now. You weren’t so drunk that you forgot what I told you.” Which was true enough. By the week’s end, Luisa had gone back to rehab (again). “I had heard you fighting with Allison earlier that night and I didn’t want you to start a new year like that.”

“So you thought I should start it with a lap dance?”

Rose scoffed. “It was barely a lap dance. And you loved it. You should have seen your face.”

“It was kiiiiiiiiind of a lap dance, and _that_ was the tequila talking, thank you.”

“Oh?” Rose pulled back, shrugging her royal blue robe partially down one shoulder. “Should we try again and see if I can jog your memory?”

And Luisa, for the first time feeling as though she could abandon her baggage if only for a little while, let her hands fall from where they’d rested around Rose’s neck and shrugged. “Why not? It’s not like I see any other presents laying around.”

“Oh my god, a little credit here!” The delight brightening Rose’s eyes told Luisa she wasn’t the only one enjoying this lighthearted banter. “I didn’t exactly plan spending your birthday like this, but I have a few things up my sleeve.”

“Fine. But if you aren’t going to give me the real thing, the least you can do is let me relive it for the rest of the song in peace.”

“I’ll do you one better, baby. You can have the whole song,” Rose replied, leaning back to click a button on the remote and the song skipped back to the beginning. It wasn’t lost on her how she was trying to do much of the same with Luisa. If only it was that easy.

“Mh, and what’s that going to cost me?” Luisa hummed, the two of them easily slipping back into each other’s arms as that old magic started to crackle between them once more.

“A kiss,” Rose answered, blue eyes alight with amusement, warm with adoration.

“Exploiting me on my own birthday. And here I thought I was the one who was supposed to be the one receiving the gifts. Yet here I am giving…”

This pulled some laughter out of Rose. “I promise I’ll make it worth your while. Now come here, you.”

The kiss was slow and gentle, languorous; thorough enough to pull a little hum from somewhere deep within Luisa before it ended, leaving Luisa free to lay her head upon Rose’s shoulder. The soulful music pouring through the speakers soothed Luisa’s flurried thoughts, allowing her mind to empty, if only for a moment, and take her back to a time when things hadn’t been so… destructive.

Back then, Luisa had been married. Things had never been perfect with Allison, but they had been doing so well. And after the night she and Rose had… transgressed, and Luisa had gone off to rehab, she had chalked her thoughts up to the alcohol and the heat of the moment.

That felt to be a lifetime ago, and so many things had changed, except one: The single, recurring thought running through Luisa’s mind in this very moment.

_I could fall in love with you._

The truth of the matter was this: Luisa would always be an addict, and she had accepted long ago that she would forever be chasing the rush that alcohol provided to her. After all, she had rationalized her betrayal to Rafael using that very line of reasoning, hadn’t she? Rose had been just another high she’d gotten caught up in chasing after.

Saying that would only get her so far, but Luisa was beginning to realize that wasn’t the case. If Luisa had her way, Rose would be a permanent fixture in her ever-changing life. Rose had claimed that Luisa had fallen in love with her twice. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Because Luisa had fallen in love with her a hundred times over, from the very first moment they had laid eyes on each other in that bar, forever changing the trajectory of their lives.

She had fallen in love with that enigmatic beauty before she even knew her name, and spent the next five years compiling a forever expanding list of little things to love about Rose: her smile, her laughter, how the softness of her voice would grow exponentially each time she uttered Luisa’s name, the look in her eyes whenever they shared a quiet moment, the way they didn’t need to speak to communicate with one another... the way Rose had been so careful in making certain they could avoid touching one another. Luisa had convinced herself it had been because she wanted nothing more to do with her, but she saw now that she hadn’t been the only one who was afraid that finding each other again might mean never letting go.

In the beginning, Luisa thought she had fallen in love with who she thought Rose was. Once the other shoe had dropped and still, she found herself pining, she told herself she was in love with who she wanted Rose to be. And now? In this room, tucked away from the rest of the world with Rose’s fingertips creating tiny little sparks wherever they touched, Luisa knew that she could fall in love with who Rose truly was.

She knew better than anyone what it was like to hide the darkest parts of herself. Luisa knew so well what it was to feel as though she’d been backed into a corner with only one way out… to look into the mirror one day and not recognize the person staring back at her.

The lovesick fool in her wanted to believe that she had shared an intimacy with Rose that matched no other, that some part of it had been real. If the twenty-first century had taught her anything, it had been people were capable of achieving what was once thought to be impossible… but they still couldn’t manufacture magic. Not like this. And while Luisa knew she owed it to herself to be more careful with Rose after everything she’d been through, she also knew that today would not be that day. It was her birthday, and she’d fall if she wanted to.

_I could fall…_

The song Luisa had been so adamant about listening to had long since faded into another, something less familiar, and she’d missed the entire thing, instead infatuated with the thoughts of Rose that were swirling around in her mind. Not that it mattered, with Rose right in front of her.

It was the reminder that she needed, that Rose was right here in front of her, offering all the things her heart desired for so many years, to pull Rose closer, to run her hands along the soft curves of her waist to solidify that no, this was not a dream. Rose was here. No longer were they playing the game of cat and mouse, with Luisa continuously experiencing the sharp sting of what she had been told time and time again was unrequited love.

_I’m falling in love with…_

“Lu?”

“Hmm?” Luisa hummed, head still resting on Rose’s shoulder.

“Can you do something for me? Just for today?”

“It’s _my_ birthday,” she reminded her, though her tone was soft and playful.

It didn’t sidetrack Rose from the mission she’d set out on. “I know it’s your birthday, honey. And I’m not asking for your forgiveness or for you to overlook the terrible things I’ve done to you. I know I hurt you, Luisa. But just for today… can we forget about all of that and just… be together? You and me. I love you, Lu. And I want to be with you. All I’m asking is that if you still feel even a fraction of what you felt for me before everything… let me show you that we can work. We can figure out a way to get our happy ending.”

It was funny, in that heartbreaking sort of way, that Rose was asking Luisa for the one thing she’d so desperately wanted for such a long time. Had Luisa been in any position to ask for any gifts this year, in lieu of something material she would have sought reparations with the two people in her life who had meant so much to her. And with Raf having already reached out… was this the sign she’d been waiting for?

“Okay,” Luisa replied after mulling it over, having promised herself that she’d stop saying “yes” to Rose (for the time being, at least). Lifting her head from Rose’s shoulder, she looked her in the eye with a steely determination to face this problem head-on. Her latest stint in rehab did do her some good. “And after, we sit down and talk about this. Actually talk about it. And you don’t get to be the one who’s angry. _I’m_ the one who gets to be angry. _I_ am the one who’s hurt.”

“Yes,” Rose responded hastily without missing a beat. Their roles had effectively been reversed, and quite honestly Luisa wasn’t used to having this kind of power outside of the bedroom.

“Then okay.” Luisa’s arms tightened around Rose’s waist. “Today it’s you and me. Buuuut it’s my birthday,” she reminded Rose for the millionth time, curling her lip. “So it’s kind of actually more about me, soooo…”

“Yes,” Rose reiterated, hands moving to cup Luisa’s face, already closing the distance between them. “It’s about you.”

“Take off your robe,” Luisa murmured against Rose’s lips after a moment between kisses.

Rose responded with a simple hum of refusal, planting another firm kiss upon Luisa’s lips. “I wouldn’t dream of robbing the birthday girl’s privilege of unwrapping her present.”

Luisa’s hands were untying Rose’s belt before she even finished her sentence.

_And this, my friends, is where we must say goodbye._

_For now._


End file.
